推开了任何人的关心, 并不像是我会做的事. 可是, 我真的没有办法再回答那些问题. 让我一被问, 就想哭的问题. 那种感觉很糟糕, 真的很糟糕. 但是, 没有人必须为我的难过而负责, 或者陪我一起难过. 我没办法让家人发现我的脆弱, 我不想让他们担心我. 所以我一直在忍, 很努力地在忍, 希望可以忍到眼泪学会倒流为止. 不要让任何人发现就好. 可是, 我真的快受不了了, 快要忍不住了. 我好想哭, 大声地哭, 像小孩子任性地哭. 哪怕只有一次就好,让我躲起来放声哭泣. 哪怕只有那么一次, 有个肩膀可以放任我把眼泪都流光. 我真的忍得好累.
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现在的我, 很想哭, 真的...很想哭. 因为不能对任何人说, 也就只能用写的. 我很茫然, 也很无助. 也开始讨厌自己... 因为现在的我, 明明已经到了要做出重要决定的时刻, 可是我却一点头绪也没有. 因为到现在, 我都不知道自己的兴趣在哪里.. 我开始觉得, 这样的我, 很可悲, 也很可笑. 我这也才发现, 原来, 我一直都活在别人的眼光里. 从小到大, 我做的每一件事, 几乎都是为了得到别人的认可, 也只为了得到一个人的注意. 每次的考试, 我都会努力做到最好, 因为我想从中得到成就感, 而父母也会 骄傲. 也只有这样, 我才能更靠近那个人.我记得在小学的时候, 有个朋友告诉过我, 我什么都不会, 就只是会考试.现在想起来, 好像真的是这样耶. 我做的每一个决定, 都要再三考虑, 问了又再问, 想了又再想, 因为我很害怕后悔的感觉. 就像每次上台表演前, 我都有要临阵脱逃的感觉, 因为我怕我会做不好. 我当初选择理科, 因为大家都说读理科比较好, 好成绩的, 都会读理科. 当然也因为那人, 也在那里. 我本来是不想读中六的, 我很想去学院, 因为那人在那里. 可是最后我还是去了中六, 因为我不断地在逃避现实, 逃到了无处可逃, 所以也就去了中六. 那时的我, 还是选择了理科, 因为我中五是理科班, 对以后的选择也比较有保障, 也因为那人选了理科. 我很怕如果我突然转科, 我会做得不好, 后悔也来不及了. 我承认, 一直以来, 我都是为了一个不切实际的理由作出决定. 至少, 那是我的目标. 可是现在, 原本的目标离开了, 我突然失去了方向, 就像无头苍蝇一样. 其实, 我也曾经有过小小的梦想, 开一间小小的礼物店, 每天看着自己很喜欢的玩具熊. 可是, 家人都提醒了我, 这样的梦, 太不切实际了, 赚不了钱的. 而我自己也意识到这点, 所以我也改变想法了. 然后现在的我毕业了, 真的要选大学科系了. 我的心却不断地被动摇. 我想选文科, 可是家人却问我: 确定吗? 不会可惜吗? 你明明有更好的选择. 你要好好想清楚, 千万不要后悔..... 我最怕别人问我会不会后悔, 我真的很怕我会失败. 我也很怕看见妈妈失望的表情, 我知道, 她一直希望家里至少有一个孩子, 能够有点大志, 让她觉得光荣. 我也很想让爸妈以后能过好...
Chilled. Yes I am.
How chilled am I now? Not at all. Even after I got my STPM final result, I'm not that chilled as I seem like. 2 days ago, it was the STPM result day.I was actually in hesitation whether I should skip my work or be a good teacher that rush all the way back for the kids. But in the end, I chose to go back to that My-once-most-hated-but-still-like-it-because-of-the-people school to get my result and meet the Sor po Sor lou. (Hope they won't see this..haha) Actually, I wasn't that nervous as I thought. I was pretty chilled and had no special feeling at all. Just that I hoped I would score better than I thought. Then, the principal read out my result loud and I walked to the stage slowly and I was very very chilled, I repeat, CHILLED. I was wondering why Yen Cheing asked me to chill when I stood up and started my footsteps heading to the stage; when I was already CHILLED. And guess what? Jeng Jeng, I didn't know how on earth I hit the middle of the staircase instea...
Keep myself busy.
Hmmm... It seems that I have not update my blog for quite some time. Just today I'm in a mood of typing something, so yeah. After being a potato for nearly 2 months at home, I finally make myself productive again. Just I picked the wrong timing and made myself felt sick with sore throat. =/ Last week was a very exhausting week because I was helping out (okay, maybe not much) for my one and only sister's wedding preparation and my one and only brother's convocation stuffs. Both of them had their Big Days on the same day. Yeah, Double Happiness, Double Chores. I was glad that things actually ended quite well after my siblings compromised to make things simple. And my fridge were filled with extra food from the buffets my parents ordered to serve the guest.Which is continuing making me fat even though I'm busy. Nomssss but it was too much... The prettiest bride of the day! Stay happily ever after yeah! =D Finally Ma Bro is grad...
Fangirl Symptom
Yeah, if you know me well, you know I love watching drama and usually get addicted to it. Especially when the actor and actress are good looking... *.* Mostly in Korean Dramas of course. Didn't really update my blog about dramas for quite some time, but I just can't control my fangirl symptoms for the latest and finally-done-watching drama, My Love From Another Star a.k.a You Who Came From The Star. =D The story is about Do Min Joon, an alien who came and live on earth for 400 years and during the last 3 months before he goes back to the place he came from, he met Cheon Song Yi, a famous movie star. And then, a fairytale begins.. XD (Not good at writing a drama review, so yeah..) Or to be more precise, I'm fangirl'ing about him, Kim Soo Hyun! <3 Gosh, he is too charming... *.* I guess there are people who just start liking him after watching this drama, but not me. Haha If you have ever read my super long time ago posts, I actually st...