Just one last time.

Well, before starting off my first working Sunday later, just wanna have a short update here then.

While other people are working from home for the next 10 days, I still need to get myself out of the house to work due to my company's business nature. 

This movement restriction thingy actually made no big difference to me, since my movement was always restricted for the past 25 years (if you know me well you will know why lol) and I was such as successful potato back then, so yeah, it's bearable. 

Actually just a few moments ago, I was thinking of writing something emotional here again, sort of like a letter to the people that I care because I couldn't put myself into speaking to them in face. But I gave up doing it now because I think it might a bit too much and dramatic to handle in case anyone sees it. 

But what could be worse than the worst right? Have been saying it for the whole year that nothing is going to change no matter how much I wrote and expressed in anywhere or any ways, I won't be able to pull anyone back to the stage I want and it will only push them further from me. 

It's like an official thing, that you were being left out of the cliques that you were previously in, no one has said it, but everyone knew it. But as an adult, you are not expected to make it a big deal, you gonna take it anyway. Because they prefer it that way, they will have more fun that way, when you are not involved along with your negativity like now. And what kind of changes do you expect anyway? That you will be tagged in posts? Liking your pictures again? That people will tag you earlier in a long list of people tags? Asking you to hangout together in the small group that things has already got awkward? Or thinking of you first when something came in mind? That is just so childish, even you will hate yourself when you are saying this. Why are you relying on this kind of things to show that people actually care about you? 

If there is such course called social media behaviour and psychology, I think I might get an A+ for that. 

After all this while, posts after posts, you still and will never know what have you done wrong to be put out of the clique,  it just happened. You have gone through many nights of self-reflection, until you reached a point that you feel that the whole world hates you and you are not worth to be loved. You are too afraid of asking for the answers, so you have used all kind of ways to hint them everywhere hoping that they will come to you and give you the answers instead of asking them directly. But then, people started to misunderstand your feelings, thinking that you are talking bad about them and they started to move even further from you instead of putting themselves to troubles like you. When there is no proper communication and no one bothers to take the initiative, the one who is left alone is now afraid to be left alone completely. You started to remain silent and built up a new shield (like anyone ever care), playing the guessing mind game all by yourself, making people hates you more for being sensitive and not being straightforward. 

You know that nothing could be changed anyway, and you need to love yourself first before you expect someone to love you. You tried hard to fill up your time by doing different kind of things other than hoping someone to react to you but you still hope that they will think of you when it comes to something fun, but then you realized that your place in their heart has dropped to a level that anyone else who is fun could replace you easily. They would rather prioritize the fun person than you, who is the sensitive bomb. 

Even now if someone sees this, they will even think worse about you, why you have to do this every time when they did something, and why you just can't accept the fact that you are not in the same page with them anymore and just move on. But you can never understand how they want you to move on, like how? When you still want to keep the clique that has gone when they are good with how they are now? When they didn't even plan to pull you back in and making it even obvious to make you accept the fact? And you wondered if there is even that one time that they actually thought of coming to you again, which will completely change your heart now with just that one move. But you know it won't happen because it's awkward for them to talk about what actually happened. They are not like you who talk about your feelings easily and always want for clarification. They will just let it be and keep things fun and normal instead of emotional talks that you always did. And you will always need to hold yourself back to avoid being a mood spoiler. 

Because you cherish them so much that you are afraid to lose them completely, even it hurts. 

You just want them to tell you what was wrong, but you will never know the real reason why you were being left alone. Because the reason might be just as simple as because it's you and they can't take in your negativity anymore. 

Because you did not love yourself enough for them to love you the same. 

And you forgot that you are being loved as well, by another group of people who are far away in distance but close in heart, who takes in all your negativity but still choose to stay with you. 

You could be happier if you care less, you need to know that you have done enough of self-reflection, that you are worth to be loved too. And things will eventually get better if you take the first step to make a good change for yourself. It's not the matter of what you have done wrong anymore, it's about the common path that you have with others. 

You are just being you, it's okay to be different from others. You are special enough to be you, and the right person will find the value in you. Follow your heart and do the right thing. Make improvements. Or something more realistic, start driving out alone.

Please love yourself to heal yourself. It will be fine someday. 

Good night...