See you when you want to see me ^.^
Finally, the last day of 2017 without having the need to study for final exam. YAY
And finally, the last post of the year with a fine night chilling at home.
I really have problems expressing myself in this language nowadays lol. I will try to get myself back to track in updating bloggy with English alright. I hope I get to finish my update on time. Haha
The age of 23, the life changing phase, from being a Student to an on-the-way to unemployed status Intern.
I was pretty much glad that I survived my final semester of studying in UM and my 6 months internship in PBB, cheers for one month left! =)
We all know that how 365 days can change a person, a relationship and a heart.
Expressing my true feelings is getting harder and harder, because it was contradicting to me for having a blog that is not privatized. So called secret feelings yet it's not a secret at all LOL. I don't want to let people discover this but I hope someone will notice this. It is a rather complicated feeling. This is my blog, I'm free to express what I want and I can't stop people from viewing this and have thoughts on what I wrote. I don't want them to ask me about it face to face, or even comment about it, what's here stays here. But at the same time, I hope the person who is reading my posts would understand how I really feel and to be in my shoes, instead of judging me. So called the right person to get the right meaning.
So this time, I want to be honest.
There is this thing that bothers me all the time, Insecurity.
I used to feel insecure about who will stay with me till the very end of the day. I take feelings, relationships and friendships seriously. I used to think a lot and care a lot about what others think about me. I was very bad at learning how to let go and care less.
I hate to admit that I have strong emotional dependency to people that I relied on a lot, may it be family or friends. I do get really sensitive and jealous at people sometimes. I would use all my strengths to keep the people I really like to stay.
I know it's very annoying, I really do. I admit I am an attention seeker. LOL
As a typical Libra, fairness is when give and take are in balance. I hope the feelings and emotions I poured and showered on the people around me would return me back the same. But it was just me being greedy. Relationship is a chemistry but it's not a chemical equation. We could never measure the value of give and take, or to decide the balance between them.
But the fact was that, I have been receiving from people more than what I gave. What I gave was just simply my deep emotions which have to be felt mentally, but I have been treated with love and care from my family and friends, physically.
But the fact was that, I have been receiving from people more than what I gave. What I gave was just simply my deep emotions which have to be felt mentally, but I have been treated with love and care from my family and friends, physically.
Lets talk about me being the organizer for gathering events and always the one who take initiatives to text people first.
I have always been complaining to my friends for giving me blue ticks when I texted them and made me spammed them one by one in order to get a reply. I blamed someone who hurt me with words in the end yet I have to act like nothing happened to make that someone stays.
I was always the one who initiate the gathering plans, it was fine at first because I really miss them so badly but I was getting tired day by day, I said I want to give up on making plans but I'm always the one who approach them one by one. I sounded so annoying that sometimes I think that the reason they are ignoring the plans is because of me. They were being honest to me, they admit the fact that we weren't even close at the first place. It was just me ignoring the fact and kept thinking that we were close enough as if we were like a big family.
The emotions hit me so hard that it relates me back to my primary school memories. When I fantasized how I felt or how I think they felt towards the whole friendship thing.
I wasn't in any of the priority list. I would never be. There will be always someone who is more important than me. Even when I have been complaining how sad I was in a joking way, I hoped someone would notice that and start making changes. But no, there wasn't any. I know they might noticed that but they chose to ignore and just agreed to me as a joke. It seemed that I was still the only one who cares.
Even when I am writing this, I am so scared that I will be losing them from now on, because of me giving them this unwilling stress and annoyance. I always have the thought that if I ever stop trying, our bond will start breaking from now onward. I couldn't bear thinking of that. My world is so tiny, so small that I only have them, I only have a few besties in secondary, and have no one close in university. But I couldn't stop them from meeting new people, feeling more comfortable and happier with other people, and prioritizing people who they think are more important to them.
Being true friends doesn't mean that we have to see each other everyday and have endless updates, it is when even we have not been seeing each other for ages, we still remained as if we just met each other yesterday when we gathered around together again.
I truly believed this, but I can't stop myself from feeling insecure. That insecurity had made me forgotten that they were actually very good to me. Just simply by being my drivers. Almost every friend of mine who has a car has been my driver for at least once. As we grew older together, I guess I have sometimes taken them for granted, forgetting the fact that how much the petrol and time would cost them all the way just to bring me out from home. They were tired too. Even if friendship doesn't count on cost this way, but yeah, reality still hurts. Their willingness to fetch me all the way from home might have already shown how much I meant to them? I supposed.
I forgot to say thank you sometimes, that they are my best drivers, responding to my requests for going distant places to get good food. To be there when I was sad, to fulfill my cravings when I mentioned about it, to save me when I was in trouble, to bear with my forever emotional emotions and to worry me not having a boyfriend. LOL Thanks for giving me so much, when I couldn't give anything much in return, except remembering each and everyone's birthday, and trying hard to bring you guys together again and again yet you guys still need to be my drivers.
To my dear friends, you were the best gifts that bring colours to my life, I wouldn't have ever experience the feelings of being pampered by someone other than family members without you. I can understand that I ain't a fun person to hang out with, sometimes I was too good to be a conversation ender too. Yet you were still there. I can understand that you might have found people who make you happier rather than someone like me who keeps repeating the same old stories.
We all know about priorities. I did the same too. We used to hold on to people who we care so much and yet we tend to ignore the people who were also trying so hard to hold on us behind.
I just want you to know that I really love you and I really miss you, my friends. Just to let you know that if I was being too annoying sometimes, it just simply because I miss you badly. Haha. I hoped that distance and workload would not drift us apart as I believe our friendship are real and strong enough to survive through all ups and downs.
No matter how things change, I will still being me when you see me, as usual. Just trying to be less annoying perhaps. Haha.
I shall just wait till the day when you miss me as much as I miss you and to see you when you want to see me.
Even if it means that we would never cross paths again (because you will never take the initiative to find me first lol), I will still wish you well.
Happy New Year! My favourite people. =)
I was always the one who initiate the gathering plans, it was fine at first because I really miss them so badly but I was getting tired day by day, I said I want to give up on making plans but I'm always the one who approach them one by one. I sounded so annoying that sometimes I think that the reason they are ignoring the plans is because of me. They were being honest to me, they admit the fact that we weren't even close at the first place. It was just me ignoring the fact and kept thinking that we were close enough as if we were like a big family.
The emotions hit me so hard that it relates me back to my primary school memories. When I fantasized how I felt or how I think they felt towards the whole friendship thing.
I wasn't in any of the priority list. I would never be. There will be always someone who is more important than me. Even when I have been complaining how sad I was in a joking way, I hoped someone would notice that and start making changes. But no, there wasn't any. I know they might noticed that but they chose to ignore and just agreed to me as a joke. It seemed that I was still the only one who cares.
Even when I am writing this, I am so scared that I will be losing them from now on, because of me giving them this unwilling stress and annoyance. I always have the thought that if I ever stop trying, our bond will start breaking from now onward. I couldn't bear thinking of that. My world is so tiny, so small that I only have them, I only have a few besties in secondary, and have no one close in university. But I couldn't stop them from meeting new people, feeling more comfortable and happier with other people, and prioritizing people who they think are more important to them.
Being true friends doesn't mean that we have to see each other everyday and have endless updates, it is when even we have not been seeing each other for ages, we still remained as if we just met each other yesterday when we gathered around together again.
I truly believed this, but I can't stop myself from feeling insecure. That insecurity had made me forgotten that they were actually very good to me. Just simply by being my drivers. Almost every friend of mine who has a car has been my driver for at least once. As we grew older together, I guess I have sometimes taken them for granted, forgetting the fact that how much the petrol and time would cost them all the way just to bring me out from home. They were tired too. Even if friendship doesn't count on cost this way, but yeah, reality still hurts. Their willingness to fetch me all the way from home might have already shown how much I meant to them? I supposed.
I forgot to say thank you sometimes, that they are my best drivers, responding to my requests for going distant places to get good food. To be there when I was sad, to fulfill my cravings when I mentioned about it, to save me when I was in trouble, to bear with my forever emotional emotions and to worry me not having a boyfriend. LOL Thanks for giving me so much, when I couldn't give anything much in return, except remembering each and everyone's birthday, and trying hard to bring you guys together again and again yet you guys still need to be my drivers.
To my dear friends, you were the best gifts that bring colours to my life, I wouldn't have ever experience the feelings of being pampered by someone other than family members without you. I can understand that I ain't a fun person to hang out with, sometimes I was too good to be a conversation ender too. Yet you were still there. I can understand that you might have found people who make you happier rather than someone like me who keeps repeating the same old stories.
We all know about priorities. I did the same too. We used to hold on to people who we care so much and yet we tend to ignore the people who were also trying so hard to hold on us behind.
I just want you to know that I really love you and I really miss you, my friends. Just to let you know that if I was being too annoying sometimes, it just simply because I miss you badly. Haha. I hoped that distance and workload would not drift us apart as I believe our friendship are real and strong enough to survive through all ups and downs.
No matter how things change, I will still being me when you see me, as usual. Just trying to be less annoying perhaps. Haha.
I shall just wait till the day when you miss me as much as I miss you and to see you when you want to see me.
Even if it means that we would never cross paths again (because you will never take the initiative to find me first lol), I will still wish you well.
Happy New Year! My favourite people. =)
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