梦想和现实是有差距的. 人总是要长大的. 我想要拥有的那些, 都太奢侈了. 都是自己的懒散和逃避现实的性格, 才会有这样的结果. 或许当初再努力一点, 至少我还有得选的资格. 奖学金没拿到, 我认了. 父母赚的都是血汗钱, 我不能随意挥霍, 所以我认了. 我自己的愚蠢, 我也认了. 选择是我自己做出的, 我也只好认了. 我浪费了我所有曾经拥有的机会, 我也认了. 我想自私一点, 我想拥有多一点, 是我太贪心了. 好痛, 总是觉得好痛, 就算后悔也得走下去了. 我根本不知道自己的选择对不对. 我快疯了. 自由, 它从来都没来找过我....
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Sienz...
Lack of motivation. Lack of confidence. Lack of optimism. I don't know what I'm doing because basically I'm not doing anything. I don't feel like doing anything... I've been longing for Uni life for so long, but when the day is approaching, I feel like running away further. I couldn't understand myself. I can't brain. I want to feel the excitement about Uni life, but all I could only felt pressured and worried. That's not the right thing. I'm trying to make myself happy again. I should just cut down my hopes towards private uni. I'm just looking forward to the facilities and accommodation. Don't mind me, I really care about that. We are supposed to work hard and enjoy our uni life right? I love places with good, clean and organized facilities. But yeah, $$$. So, I just have to accept what I got. And grow up to be independent! I will survive. Though I still feel like crying.
我难道就不能自私一点吗? 不能说不想要, 也不能说不喜欢... 因为我 "太幸运" 了, 太幸福了, 所以我没有可以说" 不" 的资格都没有. 更不用说是哭了... 连哭了三天, 还是很想哭... 我不能在任何人面前掉眼泪, 因为我要顾虑别人的感受, 也没有一个像样的理由让自己大声哭出来.... 我就是在害怕, 很害怕... 所以很想哭. 我没有资格说后悔, 也没有理由说我不要... 因为那是我所谓的坚持, 才会有现在的结果... 我必须为我所做出的选择负责, 可是我还是害怕.... 我的选择, 究竟对吗? 我连期待的心情都没有, 就一直在害怕.... 我不能再逃避了, 可是我还是很想逃..... 我想要自私一点, 不行吧? 如果有人能告诉我, 那地方到底有多好就好了.......
害怕.
我不知道为什么, 我真的很不喜欢这样的感觉. 我很怕, 真的很怕. 我没有办法找任何人倾诉, 真的好难受. 光是一想到就想哭, 都已经哭了一天了. 甚至到现在, 我还有边写就边想哭的感觉. 我很怕我做的选择是错的, 我没有信心说我一定不会后悔. 我真的能应付那一科吗? 我的选择是对的吗? 万一我不会怎么办? 我不想去那里, 不喜欢, 怎么说都不喜欢. 我好怕, 真的好怕.... 好怕一个人, 好怕一个人面对所有的一切. 我不想长大了... 好难过.... 我又想哭了.... 真的好怕....
I. CAN'T. PUT. MYSELF. INTO. WORDS. Yeah, this is exactly how I felt when I got the uni result. I've succeeded to secure myself a place in my first choice government uni, University Malaya. They even offered me the business course I asked for. WOW, Lucky me right? When I told my mum about the result, she actually called all the relatives to shared the news. Yeah, I'm not exaggerating. I guess she's happy that I got UM.... And receiving congratulations from family and friends made me overwhelmed with guiltiness. It's not right for me to not feel happy. It's not right to feel regret for the choice I made. It's not right to say I don't really want to go. T.T It's even not right if I say I feel like crying. It's a complicated feeling. I got my first choice and I should feel happy about it but I don't really feel that way. That feeling got even worse when they say business admin is a general course, I should master something more spe...
Throwback July.
Yo! Had been procrastinating a lot as you can see I just blogged 2 post last month. :/ Lets cheer for the 8th month anniversary with my sofa! YAY~~~ Just realised I've been spending a lot last month since I went out quite frequent compared to earlier before. Almost every week I had outings with my friends. And yeah, this is definitely challenging my over-protective- Mum's patience and my own rights of freedom. Somemore I have annoying and evil siblings that like to add oil add salt add pepper to make stories, just as if they would be happy especially my bro seeing me being grounded. Urgh. That doesn't benefit you at all bro! =.= Accusing me for going out without permission, I did asked okay! Just not exactly YES. =/ I'm still very obedient kay! You go outside and see larh! Aiks. Anyway, I admit I should save some money before Uni starts. Thinking back all those things I've done for July, I was actually quite "productive", in sense of spending money.....