My Secret Story...

Well, gonna have my finals in less than 2 days time, but I'm still here updating my blog... What is wrong with my "study" nerve eh?  Got easily distracted by all those social networks... What have my uni life did to me? I could have no Facebook and Instagram for at least a whole week during my stpm. And now? Die Die Die...........T.T To add salt on my wound, I don't have BASICS!  Great. LOL God Bless Me, Fingers Crossed. Wish me Good Luck!  You can survive this Chow Zi Huey!!!!  Actually, I just feel like updating my blog. since I didn't write any post for this month yet. I was so busy that whenever I have free time I would just like to stone and do nothing. That's why most of the time I was doing nothing. LOL  Anything la, just another short getaway from my jungle of books. Here's a post Christmas picture!  Beautiful right? Haha Kinda proud of my photography skill for this one. XD And my favourite Christmas T...

没想到我竟然会变得这么忙, 就算我应该算是我那群同学当中最空闲的那个. 毕竟我只要一有空就想睡觉.... 我还要完成7个作业耶.... 祝我好运吧.. T.T 现在的我, 只有两个活动在手, 比起其他人真的算少了... 所以, 我就突然有种想做些什么有意义的事情的想法.... 然后, 我去了大摇面试当表演歌手, 结果没被选上.... 本来我以为自己只是抱着玩玩的心态去的, 我没想到当我知道结果后, 我其实是很介意的.... 我想知道那落选的原因, 那让我纳闷了好久的原因.... 毕竟我是下了好大决心才去面试的... 是因为样貌吗? 还是因为歌声呢? 还是因为我没什么实力? 所以他们才不要我? 哎, 我也不知道我干嘛那么执着..... 或许是因为我没有任何华文学会的活动在手吧.... 有够纳闷的.... 算了啦,,, 功课都要把我给搞垮了.... 期限通通都要到了... 别人到底都是怎么安排时间的啊? 总是觉得大学的日子过得很虚无.... 学长学姐老是爱叫我们找对象... 怕死我们以后嫁不出... 老实说, 我还真的对这件事没什么想法, 尤其是我的课系和宿舍都没什么帅哥..哈哈 但那也还好, 真正的原因, 应该是我自己吧. 别说是爱情, 就连友情, 我也没信心可以留着谁. 毕竟大学里的人好多... 人越多, 我的心似乎越封闭起来. 我没有要寻找爱情, 我只是单纯地想把我的人缘圈子扩大而已. 我没有办法去百分百地相信谁, 更别说把真心说出来. 我, 变得冷血了.... 当然别人看我还是整天笑嘻嘻的样子. 我甚至怀疑, 我是不是失去了重新爱上人的能力... 那空了一块的位置, 如今还是空着... 是那暗恋太刻骨铭心吗? 让我觉得我没办法像喜欢他一样再去喜欢上任何人. 我已经分不清我还喜欢他吗, 我只知道, 我还想他. 只是想念. 不再轻易当面告诉谁那段单恋, 因为大家只会笑我傻, 笑我那无用的认真. 我不想让我的认真变成一种笑话... 我很介意. 我忘了我曾经爱上谁的那一刻, 我忘了我是怎么认定我喜欢上一个人, 我忘了是什么原因让我心动了.... 我忘了那感觉, 我也很好奇别人是怎么那么轻易又迅速地喜欢上一个人.. 或许, 我的心, 真的开始结冰了... 那温暖的...

Have been being a potato for the past 2 days and start regretting for not touching my books and not having any productive progress for my assignments.. Urgh... Throwing back to the first day when I was in my uni...  When my face still looks normal without heavy eye bags and super dark eye circles. Yeah, I got culture shock when I first stepped into my room in hostel. I didn't knew I would end up deciding to stay in my kk.  I thought I would write a letter and leave. Perhaps I should thank to the super Torturing yet memorable MHS.  Because of the orientation week, I started getting used to the "apa pun tak baik" hostel.  The last night of orientation at DTC.  I guess not just UM, but also other local uni, they have their own special tradition: CHEERS FIGHT!  LOL which we spent days and nights to practice just for the glory of our KK. Selfie gang for TK15.  We only started getting hyper when our orientation almost...

Have been longing this mid-term break so so long since the first day of Uni. I bet my roommate and other course mates are more excited because they finally have the chance to go back home. XD Well, even though I go home every weekends, I still miss home and always want longer holiday. Most probably because I don't want to stay in my hostel room, that's all.  Being alone at house and being alone in dorm are totally two different things. I feel free when I have the chance to be alone at home, but not when I'm in my dorm. Especially when my roommate finally went home before me, now I could be in my roommate's shoes as I always "dump" her to go back home. So sorry Whitney!  It's kinda sad that when my closer uni friends, just a few, when they are busy with something else, I couldn't find any other companies to teman me makan. It's not a very Big issue, but it's actually reminding me in a way that my social circle in my uni is extremely sma...

Maturity, a word which I couldn't really link myself to it. Even if you are reading my blog, I guess you won't find anything about my views about current topics or giving out my own opinion about something BIG. But I don't think that is all about Maturity la. Just I don't think I'm matured enough. For my life, for my future, for my decisions. I tend to "not growing up" or maybe subconsciously refused to.... Because growing up is too complicated. =/ Especially when I'm the kind of person who is simple-minded. Growing up is tiring, Because most of the time you are doing everything by DIY. If you get what I meant. Planning own timetable, doing own laundry, gonna study by your own when no one can ever force you anymore, settle all documents by yourself, etc. And it's tiring. Time to learn not to be attached to someone so much now. But Maturity hits me harder. Because I'm childish. (Y) To be frank, I made my decision with m...

会不会, 每一年的这时候, 你会忽然想起这个地方, 然后很好奇地看看, 我是否放弃了你? 不知道为什么, 我的直觉就这样告诉我. 因为我知道, 你曾经看过我写的东西... 哈哈... 或许又是我在自作多情吧.... 不过没关系, 有没有看到都好.. 祝你生日快乐!! =D 希望你一切都好, 天天开心. 其实.... 我还在等, 等着你会再开口叫我那超难听的外名的一天... 至少证明我们之间, 已经可以是那种如果有哪一天在路上巧遇的话, 会和对方微笑, 大方打招呼的旧同学. 然后你听到我的名字的时候, 是带着以前整天嘲笑我的笑容, 而不是被我烦到的苦瓜脸, 有够丑的! 再然后, 大家都带着微笑的说... 再见.

It's 929 again!! So happy for myself! LOL For the very first time, I didn't spend my birthday with family at home nor with my closest friends in school. I spent it with 6 hours of lecture classes, with mamak as lunch and dinner, in Uni with my Uni Mates. Well, though I didn't really "cut" a cake today, but at least I had some celebration with my beloved ones for the past weekends. =) Jeannie jio'ed me and Chien Zong to have lunch with her last Saturday, because she is leaving to UK on weds. Glad that I actually managed to meet her for 3 times this year... Hahah Gonna miss her cuteness and weirdness after she leaves... sobs.. Who on earth knows that these 2 weirdos ( I called them that way because they are really weird.. XD) could NON STOP teasing me about the same thing for the whole lunch date.. Gosh!  I need my market please! LOL But they sure made me laugh a lot just like how I made them laugh for my silliness especially we took some Wefie.....

努力地压抑自己心里的期待. 因为希望越大, 失望就越大. 想哭的感觉又莫名地浮现了.  总觉得那所谓的期待, 都变成了奢望. 总是觉得很孤单, 很讨厌被忽视的感觉... 唉, 还是专心读书好了. 不知道他是不是回去英国了.

不知道什么时候开始, 我变得比以前更难开心起来. 我并没有哭, 真的没有. 只是一个人的时候, 总是觉得很失落, 很想哭, 但是都在没有掉过一滴眼泪. 总觉得很辛苦. 以前, 一个人待在一个空间, 无论发呆, 看戏, 听歌, 甚至吃泡面, 我都觉得很享受. 即使没人陪我都觉得没什么大不了. 可是, 我不知道从什么时候开始, 觉得自己一个人做一件事就很可怜. 一个人走路回家, 一个人发呆, 一个人在房间吃杯面.... 我从来不觉得一个人在房里吃杯面很可怜, 但是到了大学, 那种没人理我的感觉就变得很强烈. 存在感变得超低, 几乎是零. 我的人缘, 真的那么差吗? 我明明很努力的认识更多人, 为什么还是有一个人走路回宿舍的时候? 我一直这样问自己... 为什么主动认识人的是我, 难道就没人想和我做朋友吗? 我知道我一难过起来, 低气压就很重, 所以我都尽量隐藏起来. 我一直想找人说话, 因为我知道我只要一安静下来就跟隐形人没两样. 可是感情建立是双方的, 只有一方在主动是很累人的. 难道是我付出的努力不够多吗? 我已经无言了. 这一切也不能让别人知道, 因为这样人家应该会觉得我只会埋怨别人吧... 我就只好继续努力了. 再次从零开始吧. 我只要找会当初中六的感觉就好了.

Time seems to pass faster after I started my uni life. Due to that stupid wifi which my pc could actually detect it but couldn't even load a page, I just manage to update my blog after half of the month passed by. I guess this is the first time I felt so sad for September arrived that early, at first.... I thought I would have home sick and cry every single day when my uni starts.  But no, THAT is not what happened.  I do have home sick every single day, but I never shed a tear from my first day of orientation until now.  Perhaps it's because I set my expectation towards the Uni and hostel to the lowest, that's why I didn't cry because it was slightly better than my super low expectation. Except for the washrooms. Yes, I'm super disappointed with the washrooms. Not to mention my room, which I could actually spot the bricks behind the painted wall.  Perhaps I didn't cry because I was too tired after the super torturing yet memorable orienta...

After living for 20 years, for the very first time, I'm hoping September to come slower or maybe never come.  But.... HI! My favourite month for every year. Please treat me good today.  Gonna start my uni life 7 hours later. Here I go UM!  Hoping that my choice of taking business admin would bring me to a better place with many possibilities. Positive ones I hope.  Couldn't imagine the rest of my days spending in the hostel.  This orientation week will decide my future uni life.  To stay or not to stay. I guess I will be fine... Soon....  Fingers crossed for good roommates!  Will there be someone that stay oncall for me? 

梦想和现实是有差距的. 人总是要长大的. 我想要拥有的那些, 都太奢侈了. 都是自己的懒散和逃避现实的性格, 才会有这样的结果. 或许当初再努力一点, 至少我还有得选的资格. 奖学金没拿到, 我认了. 父母赚的都是血汗钱, 我不能随意挥霍, 所以我认了. 我自己的愚蠢, 我也认了. 选择是我自己做出的, 我也只好认了. 我浪费了我所有曾经拥有的机会, 我也认了. 我想自私一点, 我想拥有多一点, 是我太贪心了. 好痛, 总是觉得好痛,  就算后悔也得走下去了. 我根本不知道自己的选择对不对. 我快疯了. 自由, 它从来都没来找过我....

Lack of motivation. Lack of confidence. Lack of optimism. I don't know what I'm doing because basically I'm not doing anything. I don't feel like doing anything... I've been longing for Uni life for so long, but when the day is approaching, I feel like running away further. I couldn't understand myself. I can't brain. I want to feel the excitement about Uni life, but all I could only felt pressured and worried. That's not the right thing. I'm trying to make myself happy again. I should just cut down my hopes towards private uni. I'm just looking forward to the facilities and accommodation. Don't mind me, I really care about that. We are supposed to work hard and enjoy our uni life right? I love places with good, clean and organized facilities. But yeah, $$$. So, I just have to accept what I got. And grow up to be independent! I will survive. Though I still feel like crying.

我难道就不能自私一点吗? 不能说不想要, 也不能说不喜欢... 因为我 "太幸运" 了, 太幸福了, 所以我没有可以说" 不" 的资格都没有. 更不用说是哭了... 连哭了三天, 还是很想哭... 我不能在任何人面前掉眼泪, 因为我要顾虑别人的感受, 也没有一个像样的理由让自己大声哭出来.... 我就是在害怕, 很害怕... 所以很想哭. 我没有资格说后悔, 也没有理由说我不要... 因为那是我所谓的坚持, 才会有现在的结果... 我必须为我所做出的选择负责, 可是我还是害怕.... 我的选择, 究竟对吗? 我连期待的心情都没有, 就一直在害怕.... 我不能再逃避了, 可是我还是很想逃..... 我想要自私一点, 不行吧? 如果有人能告诉我, 那地方到底有多好就好了.......

我不知道为什么, 我真的很不喜欢这样的感觉. 我很怕, 真的很怕. 我没有办法找任何人倾诉, 真的好难受. 光是一想到就想哭, 都已经哭了一天了. 甚至到现在, 我还有边写就边想哭的感觉. 我很怕我做的选择是错的, 我没有信心说我一定不会后悔. 我真的能应付那一科吗? 我的选择是对的吗? 万一我不会怎么办? 我不想去那里, 不喜欢, 怎么说都不喜欢. 我好怕, 真的好怕.... 好怕一个人, 好怕一个人面对所有的一切. 我不想长大了... 好难过.... 我又想哭了.... 真的好怕....

I. CAN'T. PUT. MYSELF. INTO. WORDS. Yeah, this is exactly how I felt when I got the uni result. I've succeeded to secure myself a place in my first choice government uni, University Malaya. They even offered me the business course I asked for. WOW, Lucky me right? When I told my mum about the result, she actually called all the relatives to shared the news. Yeah, I'm not exaggerating. I guess she's happy that I got UM.... And receiving congratulations from family and friends made me overwhelmed with guiltiness. It's not right for me to not feel happy. It's not right to feel regret for the choice I made. It's not right to say I don't really want to go. T.T It's even not right if I say I feel like crying. It's a complicated feeling. I got my first choice and I should feel happy about it but I don't really feel that way. That feeling got even worse when they say business admin is a general course, I should master something more spe...

Yo! Had been procrastinating a lot as you can see I just blogged 2 post last month. :/ Lets cheer for the 8th month anniversary with my sofa! YAY~~~ Just realised I've been spending a lot last month since I went out quite frequent compared to earlier before. Almost every week I had outings with my friends. And yeah, this is definitely challenging my over-protective- Mum's patience and my own rights of freedom. Somemore I have annoying and evil siblings that like to add oil add salt add pepper to make stories, just as if they would be happy especially my bro seeing me being grounded. Urgh. That doesn't benefit you at all bro! =.= Accusing me for going out without permission, I did asked okay! Just not exactly YES. =/ I'm still very obedient kay! You go outside and see larh! Aiks. Anyway, I admit I should save some money before Uni starts. Thinking back all those things I've done for July, I was actually quite "productive", in sense of spending money.....

Dad: You have to charge the old mobile phones before you keep them... Me: I don't know where they are... Dad: (ignoring me) You need to charge the phones before you keep them so that they could still be used next time... Me: I don't know where are the phones... Dad: (continuing) You have to charge the phones before you keep them so that when you take the batteries out, they could be kept longer.... Me: Papa, I really don't know where they are, I thought you or mama kept it.... Dad: No, You must charge the phones....... Me: (Gave up and ended up laughing with tears bursting out....) Now I know why I'm so CUTE. Like Father Like Daughter. XD

他, 回来了. 我是偶然之间发现的. 原来这么快, 就一年了.. 我却还在原地踏步. 如果能像他一样, 果断一点就好. 做一个离他最近的选择, 好吗? 以他为目标, 应该就知道要做些什么了吧? 或许, 如果我像以前一样以他为目标, 我就能找到答案了吧? 这样, 可以吗? 在偶然的机会下, 我去到了很靠近"曾经和他, 还有他们,有着一些共同回忆"的地方. 虽然是完全不同的地方, 却又很靠近以前曾经去过的地点. 然后, 一点一滴地想起, 我当时有多么地单纯, 多么地想要把那些曾经变成永远, 多么地一厢情愿. 那是一种淡淡的感觉, 却又是那么地让人无法自拔.  就这么一直淡淡地心痛, 淡淡地想念....

Yo bloggie! Have been potato'ing for a whole month after I quit my job and it makes me feel even potato to update my blog.... Ehem, enough with my potato language. Haha I know it's not funny. Well, I neglected my blog for almost 3 weeks because I was kinda busy with my potato life. XD So since I'm in the mood today, let me update a lttle of my cravings... Like last year. Hah! Looking back at my list last year, it seems like most of my cravings were satisfied! =D Just there are still some places that I haven't try out... like Shakespeare Boulangerie & Patisserie Plan B Restaurant  Suki-ya Shabu Shabu  Jogoya Shogun Japanese Buffet Restaurant BBQ Plaza  Windmill Restaurant Upstairs Cafe  And also Haagen Dazs ice cream!  Okay, that's a lot! And now, with lots of new openings of those restaurants and cafes, my craving list is getting longer.... Garage 51 Oh Scooters Cafe - The cotton candy signature coffee is calling me~...

就这样, 我结束我的人生中的第一份工作, 功课老师. 工作的那三个月, 时间似乎过得很快, 但其实也有一段时间了. 还记得, 三个月前, 上班的第一天, 我就铁了心做一个月就不干了. 哈哈 因为小朋友真的是披着天使外衣的淘气鬼! 不过, 我还是乖乖地多呆了两个月, 原因有几个: 因为我真的很得空, 小朋友还是很可爱, 还有老师需要人手... 所以我也不好意思说走就走, 良心过不去嘛... 然后, 我在跟老师提出我要离开时, 突然想起, 我好像实现了我小时候的小小愿望... 哈! 我小时候在成绩册填上的第一志愿, 一直都是 "老师" 哦! (当然最大的原因是因为大家都填医生,护士,老师....)  所以我小时候也很理所当然的喜欢扮老师教书, 自己跟自己玩, 也曾拉着表妹一起玩. 对象? 哈哈... 当然是一大堆表妹的玩偶和洋娃娃啦! 还有一堆空气....  我还很乐在其中呢.. 没想到, 过了那么久, 我真的当老师了! 虽然只是功课老师, 我已经想举白旗了! 当老师真是很不容易啊...  我每天的工作, 就是看着小朋友冲凉, 看着他们吃午餐, 问功课, 管小朋友在班里的行为, 还要回答他们天真的问题! 最头痛的是有些小朋友都只想着玩, 不想做功课, 我就得用尽所有的法宝来应付他们. 谁叫我上班的第一天太好人, 所以小朋友们都不怕我, 还会黏我, 想爬到我的头上... 就算我再破口大骂也没用了... T.T 所以我每个星期都要想不同的方法让他们乖乖屈服, 甚至交换条件! 哈! 比如说, 我学写他们的华文名, 然后变成抄名来吓他们; 罚最吵的小朋友站在教室前面; 让那些很吵的小朋友面壁思过, 要说话就对着墙壁说话; 考试要到时背乘法表; 一个人没做完功课, 全部人都不许动; 把没做完功课的小朋友的名字写在白板; 吵死人的小朋友就就要被我敲头; 到最后不想再破口大骂时, 我拿着藤条往桌子大力地敲, 敲得全部被吓到, 因为太大声了, 打得我的手都觉得痛!  这些方法都只能各维持一个星期, 所以我都快绞尽脑汁了. 谁叫我不够凶又不想被小朋友在背后说我的坏话, 因为我是过来人啊! 哈哈! 我都是站在他们的立场, 回想起我小时候的模样的.  最搞笑的是, ...

Just an hour ago, something took away my attention or should I say excitement or nervousness from the interview I'll be having on Sunday After waiting for 4 years, something has changed. I don't know what is he thinking now, or I should admit that I could never read his mind, though before this I thought I could, even without interaction in between. Those were just my own guesses and prediction. Without any acknowledgement. It was a long wait. Even though he just made a click, a not-significant click, it just complicates my mind with literally hundred reasons. I took it as a sign. An action that shows those pasts were over. He is no more afraid of me bothering him, perhaps I'm just an acquaintance to him. A person that he knows and knows him, nothing more than just name and simple updates of recent life. I couldn't ask for more, and I wouldn't. Not like last time, with tons of regrets. I rather stay at my current place quietly, knowing that he is all f...

Pretty sure my English is getting suck day by day that my standard 4 kids could speak better than me. I'm out of words that can express myself precisely. So, I got the news that I've been accepted to attend the interview for the government Uni I applied. And the "Good News" is: I got my first choice. Jeng Jeng~ It sounds so lucky that I couldn't believe what I read. Business Administration. My first choice for the course applied. And I got it. It feels so easy to me. Not when I realised my classmates didn't get what they want from the Uni they applied. They applied for Science subjects and for now, I didn't heard any news from them yet. Only me. The only science student that got a business course as her first choice. I even have the feeling that maybe I have chosen the course that not many people is interested to and it's a not so famous course, not like pharmacy, dentistry, actuarial science or accounting that many people are competing for it. Tha...

Pretty sure I have emptied my mind for a few weeks without thinking about my future studies, that's why I have more time to think about other not-so-important stuffs.... Sometimes, I would have this kind of thoughts:  And it hits me really hard. Maybe my thoughts are overwhelmed with insecurities, maybe I'm just lack of confidence, or maybe I'm afraid of being forgotten... I realized that I'm actually good at remembering those little things or moments, when other people don't even notice or even put an effort on remembering it. Every moments I remembered became memories that meant so much to me. But it didn't mean the same to someone else. They might not even care, not even once, I guess... That's why I always persuade myself that I shouldn't put too much hope when it comes to relationships. Knowing a person's name doesn't mean you know that person. Even though how much I care about someone, doesn't mean they feel the same ...

After sending the scholarship application letter, it was a big relief. It's like, I finally done something BIG. (yeah, I'm exaggerating) Then, my brain stops thinking about the courses and the fact that I have problem choosing my future.  Yeah, so, whatever. I'm still depressed in a way, just it is not so mind-killing now.  I'm trying to convince myself that I would be fine when the day comes.  I have no choice but to face my problem, by myself.  No one is responsible to my own sadness, except myself.  Yeah, learning to face my problem alone is not that hard, right? Rainy day made the floor wet and the feeling of fear became stronger than my first visit.  Hmmm, I'm okay to stand by myself, I guess.  I know I talk a lot, like A LOT of craps. But I know I'm not good at expressing the true feelings. I know. The insecurity is too strong and it suffocates me. Like now. Not like I couldn't find a good listener, ju...

After working as a homework teacher for a month, I really miss my childhood a lot, especially when I look at the kids everyday. Despite the negativity that floats in and suffocates me, I'm still feeling better when I see the kids playing around.  Even though the children have tons of homework to finish everyday, but they are still enjoying their time doing the things they like. Every small little matter seems to be something Big in their eyes. Every single moment seems to last forever in their mind. Simple and Innocent.  Like my standard 1 girls, Jolie and Cyd Nie, got to know each other for the first day and they wrote a note about they are Best Friends forever and ever again. The standard 1 boys, Keith cried and told me that Jayden didn't want to friend him, then the next moment, they were playing together again. And then, my standard 2 girl Elly told me that she would remember every teacher she talked to before, forever. But I doubt that... LOL Some questions that ...